A LONER'S CODE:
Self-doing, self undoing
Lamentations 3:22 : "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not."
I sometimes feel torn...
The world is a huge tug of demands to DO, to BE, BE MORE, BE BETTER, CRUSH THE COMPETITION.
Well, with all due DIS-respct, I don't think so.
The West is an especially demanding place of huge pressure on all sides. Plenty of us are not good at demands. We withdraw from that by being rebellious, inebriated on various difficult substances, chasing other humans, falling off mysterious ladders to corporate "no-where," not pushing to be #1. #1 of WHAT??? This behavior, however, also does not benefit us who rebel…
I am closer to the bottom of the achievement ladder: survivor to older age (72 at current time), high school graduate with a BEEE average, passed my Driver test on first try, made two A's in my one year of college, passed the California real estate license test in one try, survived in two challenging big cities (Seattle and San Francisco) for close to 40 years, and most of all a Prodigal to my Christian faith who finally returned in dismay and disarray to God and His Son after 3 1/2 decades of wandering and rebellion. I am simply blessed to even be alive... I made so many bad decisions in desperation and have paid the price for them over my lifetime. That is a lot of what I write about!
What I have not lost is my loner core. My Mom was not a loner, my Dad was. A Christian in my childhood, at 13, I had the emotional shelter of my Godly Mom torn away from me overnight. She had a massive stroke while in great emotional distress ( Dad advising her he was filing for a divorce) and she died in mere hours. No preparation, no processing, no goodbyes, cast adrift. I spent a portion of that night alone, with Dad at the hospital.
Then two years later in 1968, age 15, one brother is killed in Vietnam. Those searing events sealed my loner temperament. Sensitive soul, deep empath, loner.
I built a wall around my soul that remains to this day. I never formally married nor had children (two abortions, 1973). God can enter and so can His Son...They have not knocked the door down, nor have They...demanded! They actually knocked ON my door...my door of tears, of sadness, of too much emotional distress. The fact that They ask to come in, is a testament of the immense mercy and love of God, especially for those of us amongst the brokenhearted.
Papa God tells me " time to leave the sad, WEW. Much left to do and to have step by step, the desires of your heart, in service to Me and My Son. Hold fast My hand!" Despite my fears, I have not let go of His hand.
As I dig for a deeper understanding of just why I am so odd/eccentric/mercurial, I heard Holy Spirit speak this to me: "Loners are on guard. Loners are warriors, watchers on the wall, never fully at ease, always wearing the full armor of God, always having Spiritual weapons at the ready, defending the innocent." Both the books of Ezekiel and Isaiah speak of the watchmen on the wall, as guardians and protecters of people and places they love. As the last surviving member of my own immediate family, I resonate as the lone warrior who is assigned " last one out, turn off the lights."
Warriors of God always take seriously the full armor of God, the spiritual armor spoken of in Ephesians chapter 6, listing six items of full armor. I resonate most intensely with the helmet of salvation, one part of the full armor of God. Part of this is my intense relationship to the head: My mom died of a cerebral hemorrhage, Dad of brain illness, one older brother of brain illness and I myself have hit my head twice on the car steering wheel in low speed car accidents in my youth. I have grappled with depression. Laughing ruefully...perhaps this is my stubborn hard head and I have that in common with members of my family as well as my Boomer generation, through the trauma of social upheaval and the Vietnam War of the 1960's.
Only with God's help, can I remotely deal with and conquer these assaults. Yes, I will leave the world when Papa calls me...but I have faith I can head off some of this darkness before I go.
God, being honorable, is even more stubborn than I am, and I am a formidable stubborn one. He makes each of us not only as a blend of Mom and Dad but also for His special purpose. He gave each of us gifts that are ours alone and my gifts are words. We are unique among all the countless births in all human history.
I have learned the hard way to not wander in my pain but rather hand it over to God. He can handle it, I cannot. Instead of freaking out fellow humans down the street, I could actually ASK PAPA what the heck to do even about the mundane or the intractible. He knows things. He wants to help me. He is Ok with me being odd, and He has a special place even for me. Even at my Elder age of 72, I am still learning how to do this...so I say, don't give up in despair!
You are reading words from one woman who struggled so mightily with utter despair...and yet God pursued me in my brokenness, over the 35 years I was a Prodigal, as I was seeking but not finding. HE found me and HE loved on me and HE relentlessly welcomed me back Home. It is still not easy but it is belonging, once again. I also realized that a Loner can actually be an Intercessor! I pray for others, a lot. This must be a part of God’s assignment for me, “Encourage the discouraged.”
Talk about the HR (human relations!) Department of Heavenly places...I am not in the bottom drawer, or back row. I actually have a place, I actually matter...and so do you!
Wow. I have actually encouraged myself…Stealth God at work!
Wendy Elizabeth Williams, May 16, 2025
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This is one of those right on time words. Thank you. I needed this.
"I built a wall around my soul that remains to this day."
Mine is still there, too. I let it down here and there, but some of it I've had to keep up. And that's okay. Keep on, Ms. Wendy.