A MUDDY RENEWAL
This is not a Spa!
Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you." (from the words of Christ at the Sermon on the Mount )
Papa God knows us! He knows intimately every struggle, sorrow and ditch we fall into, especially repeatedly.
My ditch includes negative, defeatist thinking and long-term financial lack, otherwise known as poverty. I just give up so blasted easily.
God has also clearly told me the journey out of protracted financial battles involves contending.
If that is not a battle word, I don't know what is! I need to learn how to do this, me of the "I can't" school of not-success... This should be fun...gritting my teeth, fists clenched in fear-anger.
God just gives me a hug, smiles gently and sends Holy Spirit to sit down beside me. He points me to my notebook and pen, saying, " Here's some next tiny steps to take, W.E.W.! Yes, with Me by your side, this can and will be fun!" Holy Spirit is not exactly dour!!
To contend means to shove back on the impediment, to strive against opposition. Oh joy... I “dunno” how to contend, Papa!!
" Head down in Survival Mode" is how I have lived for nearly 50 years. This is “grim”. Obviously, looking down causes you to miss things and yet somehow feels protective, as if trying to not be visible to the dark and mean. Survival is a visceral and primal thing. Some people just bounce up the mountain and over obstacles. I am not one of them. (Grrrr…)
Pulling out of the pit is way scary. Uncharted territory is putting it lightly!!
I came to God and His Son in childhood. I broke with my faith in my youth, due to terrible grief and spent 35 years as a Prodigal, finally stumbling back Home in 2002 in terrible shape.
l will say that in my most recent nine years of walking with Papa God and His Son, after more travail and a second wrenching loss of a home due to rent pressure, I watched as Papa took my immense chaotic brokenness and gently but forcefully landed me with a small dynamic group of Believers far from the big city and urban areas I had lived in for 35 years (San Francisco proper and close-in areas.)
God guided me to a new job I could handle ( part-time library page, shelving books), guided me to a church home and an apartment. Then I began an intensifying journey of RELATIONSHIP with Papa. This is not “religion”, this is relationship. This was an intense combination of loving support and a Dad's strong nudge of "move it, I know your gifts, I gave them to you!" While my own earthly Dad did not abuse me, neither did he think I would ever amount to anything. He kept a roof and food for me but did not feed my heart. He did not want me in utero and that has camped out in my soul since my youth. God, my Heavenly Father, acts differently.
In God's eyes, He has called me one one of His " late bloomers"
Dude, I'm 72?? Isn't that way over the hill???
Who would want the old and brokenhearted?? The unconfident?? The despairing, the struggling? The poor???
I have no clue, but it appears God does!
And then I think...Christ's disciples and Apostles were struggling in debt, hating the Roman overlords who were pushy and vicious and who walked into a country not their own and parked it and bossed and taxed and harmed.
Not the best plan for success...and yet Christ saw something, especially in each of His Apostles.
I call God "Stealth Papa" because He works behind the scenes. His weaving is a true majestic mastery of each of us, as we allow Him access to our sorrow and shame. That is a huge key, to allow God to come in to those places we would rather not reveal, much less to God! It is hilarious how we desperately try to hide things from God. Nope, won’t work, I have tried.
This in itself is the primal battle and truly, a daily one. I am stubborn and resistant and do not easily trust, having had my heart broken so many times. I have withdrawn into my hiding place and have refused to venture out that far. However, and as I have said plenty of times before, you cannot win an argument with Papa God. He will politely listen, nod His head and then say, "Daughter, this is what we are going to do..." I sigh and since I know He is correct, I make an effort, even a small one, to simply follow what HE says. Mind you, He is ALWAYS RIGHT. This is NOT Mt. Everest, this is a molehill. (“but it looks so tall…”, I grumble…)
It is a very muddy renewal process, untidy and not remotely in order. It is sometimes scattershot and random and desperation. Whatever works is what works for someone like me, untamed to a still-large degree and resistant and complaining. However, even I can learn. Monkeys throwing darts at the board??? Am I the monkey?? ( don't answer that...)
Papa gives me small steps, what I have called an “avalanche of pebbles”. Funny, when I mentioned that phrase to my Wednesday night church Discipleship group, my Pastor smiled that shark tooth smile and said "It is the pebbles that come in advance of the avalanche."
Correct. Darn... Keep the pebbles coming and going, W.E.W. Just keep moving.
Wendy Elizabeth Williams Friday, April 25, 2025
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--Please pray for me to continue to hear the still small voice of Holy Spirit, as He is my writing coach!
Great piece, Wendy. Here's a "next step" to consider - Ask your Pastor and others in your church you trust to help you organize what you have written into a series of topics for a ministry of speaking conferences or classes specifically to the multitude of neglected, hurting, emotionally (and physically) abused women out there who would greatly benefit from the wisdom you have acquired over a life-time of enduring and persevering. Women who, like yourself, desperately want to change or find victory. They just need someone to champion them.
Maybe your are that person.
I know you consider yourself an introvert and/or lack the "credentials to be an influence on anyone, but you have "street cred" and that's needed much more than all the paper in the world. Just something to think about. You cannot stay in that cubbyhole forever. The cocoon must be broken open in order to fly.
You go, girl.
I've never "bounced" over obstacles either, Wendy. Sometimes, I've only had to face them and then I realize they're not so big (or scary) after all. But sometimes, I have to contend (sigh). There's no way over or around. The only way is "through." And that's when I grow (although I resist! Ha!). Keep growing! Great piece!