AN ABORTION SURVIVOR IN A ROOM FULL OF MOTHERS:
SOME CONSEQUENCES TO BEHAVIOR
AN ABORTION SURVIVOR IN A ROOM FULL OF MOTHERS
"SOME CONSEQUENCES TO BEHAVIOR "
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Psalm 139: 13-14
"For thou has possessed my reins, thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works, and that my soul knoweth right well."
This piece below is a re-written one, from 2019:
God has been strongly calling me to seriously write, even in my Elder age, on my rebellious and traumatic history in this fallen material realm, starting with my own sorrows in the disaster that was (and is) the sexual revolution. I am sharing the unhappy consequences to behavior that I myself have experienced and endured. God is asking me to "pour out your soul with no holds barred, so others can hear what are some consequences of un-moored behavior."
This is not an easy task. I am approaching this with some trepidation despite my big fat mouth and legendary sharp tongue...and my still-healing ambivalence about much of the world of abortion, contraceptives and bearing children or not.
At my church, I attend a weekly "warrior women's prayer gathering”. This is a very small group and we pray over one another, over families and our nation as we feel guided. In early 2019, a few of my dear Sisters in Christ and myself were discussing some of the Women's Marches that were loudly happening. This was before Roe fell. Some of us commented on videos showing the stridency and sheer anger of many of the march participants, both young and older women. "My Body, My Choice" was a favorite bellowed shout, sometimes in the faces of any who had a different opinion or experience. Bellicose seemed to be the ramble of the day! A baby was an aside and an impediment and a great inconvenience to be dispatched, posthaste. Most young women who have not had a child, simply do not fully understand the harsh reality of what an abortion really is and what the later consequences can be, both to mental, emotional and financial health.
I realized a couple of days after my prayer group, that I was the only woman in that room who was not a Mother. Indeed, I myself am a survivor of two abortions in my youth, two in three months in the same year that Roe v. Wade was passed, 1973.
Where to begin with my raw and uncertain emotions on all this???
There have indeed been centuries of discord between men and women. I call this "the War between Men and Women" and it is only getting worse. I am no longer a "feminist" but I do fully "get" the anger and the deep wounds of both body and spirit that women throughout history have endured at the hands of some men. In war, in all cultures, women are raped as a tactic of war. They are treated as property and chattel, children alongside. Including all the men and children who have died in war over the centuries of humans battling, the land itself is drenched in blood on every continent. What a terrible legacy...
In the supposed-to-be sacred covenant of marriage that God Himself designed, one man to one woman for life, humans have desecrated the bond and made women again, a piece of property and not to be treated with courtesy, respect and honor to their place as Wife, Mother and equal companion. This is not God's fault or His plan to bring diminishment to women! The Patriarchs were supposed to be the protectors and those who cared for women and children, not the dominant and the mean-spirited method, too often applied with blunt force. It was never meant to be "Male domination" but a partnership between the two tribes of humanity, male and female, helping one another in cooperation. As it does biologically take the union of male and female to create a life, the structure of marriage was intended to be a place of refuge, solace and mutual support to both the husband, the wife and to the children they might create. Obviously the chaos of the world intrudes on all this and so much suffering has happened from the breakdown of traditional marriage partnerships.
This is the fault of all us fallen humans. This is a terrible blight on the safe refuge that marriage is supposed to assist in bringing, with both men and women fulfilling honorable tasks together, to the keeping of a simple household, the bearing and raising of children created by male and female together, and the stabilizing of emotions and finances and honest work in tandem.
I speak as a wounded warrior, one who has never been formally married, one who ran in terror from child-bearing. I saw so much carnage in the battles between men and women and resisted formal marriage.
How fully I remember both times I got pregnant, the sheer panic that set in. I remember the constant running to the bathroom every half-hour, to see if my period had begun, as I certainly kept feeling menstrual cramps...but no. My breasts began to get tender and I just knew, in great sorrow, that I was very likely pregnant. The first abortion was a "menses induction", performed before a pregnancy test would even register, at 4 weeks. The young doctor who performed the vacuum procedure asked me when it was finished, "do you want me to tell you if you were pregnant or not?" I said "yes" and he answered "I think you were." That first abortion, I got pregnant from a "one night stand" and the young man never knew, I never saw him again.
The second time, only a few weeks later, I was pregnant yet again, this time around 7 weeks, with my current boyfriend. He wanted to marry me...but I refused, as he was very possessive and I knew I was not nearly ready for marriage. So abortion number two happened.
Quite frankly and as much sorrow as this brings me, I looked at the fetus as an invader to my body, even though I helped to create it. This is ambivalence, 101. Even though my own Mother welcomed me into her womb and allowed me nine months to develop and be born, I still had that hostile attitude toward that living creature in my uterus. I know this is the attitude of many young women out there and I share this only to offer that I "get " the fear and the sometimes loathing that descends on women. It is the monthly bleeding and all the attendant discomfort and then the little "surprise" that comes when you often do not want it! I have often wondered why those women who desperately want to get pregnant, cannot seem to, and those who do not want to get pregnant, are the ones who do. Unfair! (Don't mind me, this is a rant!)
My plunging even further into the ravages of the sexual revolution continued and incredibly, I did not get pregnant again. I was on the Birth Control pill for one year, awful and filled with yucky side-effects. Both times I got pregnant, I was not using any birth control at all. Stupid, Wendy, stupid!
Later, as I got a bit more savvy, I got a Diaphragm, an old-style "barrier method" of contraceptive that involved inserting a rubber "bowl" with a foldable rim into my inner female parts, to block the entrance of the cervix. This device, when combined with the spermicide jelly, did the job for me for many years. This did not protect against STD's, which I had a few times, nor did it spare me emotional chaos and baggage that accumulated.
I never formally married and have been a loner all my life.
My soul is still in need of the healing power of God, the only One who can bring the deep healing to the wounds of body, soul and spirit.
In all my chaos of rebellion, I have been through poverty, emotional distress and major depression, chronic unemployment or lack of stable employment, and the general malaise of " I just do not fit in to this world and I am a crazy girl." This is not a great way to live and I can bluntly and honestly say it is not a recipe for success!
I share all this simply to present that I am not some great perfectly healed Christian, holier than thou or without doubts or wounds. Even all the screaming about gay rights this and trans rights that, in this day and age of chaos, the core fact remains that the ONLY HEALER out there is God and His Son. All the outside things can never bring a "righting of the boat" or a depth of cleansing or regeneration. The only "peace accords" that will ever be between the two tribes of humanity, male and female, is through the profound Intercessionary sacrifice of Jesus Christ for us all. He partners with our sincere repentance and subsequent surrender of all our dirt and sorrow to Him. He carries our burdens. Only God can bring this healing of body, mind, soul and spirit.
I will say, and this surprises even me at this late age, I wish I had never had sex. Sex has brought me boatloads of trouble. I wish I had remained a virgin for life, if that is the path God chose for me. I did so much terrible damage to my body, soul and spirit and it is a balm to be celibate. If only....and yet that is the story of each and every one of us, in whatever trouble we found ourselves in. We all end up in some kind of ditch and only the Good Shepherd can bring us up and out.
I do think that not every person should be a parent and that contraceptives are a good thing. Even sterilization is preferable to abortion. I would not object to some young lady getting her tubes tied, if she is certain she does not want to be a Mom and does not intend to be celibate. This is drastic, I know, but based on my own traumatic history of many many sex partners, being on contraceptives or being sterilized is a better alternative. Of course first priority would be finding God and His Son and asking for HELP in this vital and often chaotic realm. God knows we need it... and no pun intended. God Himself created sexuality for the continuing of the human race and the intimacy between husband and wife, even when a child is not conceived.
I will say in raw honesty that following God and His Son is not a smooth and easy path. However, with the absolute madness of the world right now, it is worth every tear shed or ditch fallen back into, to pursue the beauty and majesty of a higher path and an Eternity with God when this world is over. I would trade every moment of temporary pleasure, for that joyous Reunion I will have on down the road.
Until then, I write and I bare my soul, in the hopes that I can reach even one person out there, with the beauty of God's perfect way, accessed through oceans of tears and struggle. I will remind you, we do not travel this travail alone.
Wendy Williams (Saturday January 26, 2019)
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