CRUMBLING BEFORE GOD

In a heap before the Throne of Grace

Psalm 73: 2-3, 7, 12-13, 17, 23:

"But as for me, my feet were almost gone, my steps had well-nigh slipped. I was envious of the prosperity of the wicked...their eyes stand out with fatness: they have more than heart could wish...behold, these are the ungodly, who prosper in the world, they increase in riches.  Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain and washed my hands in innocency...Until I went into the sanctuary of God and then understood I their end...Nevertheless I am continually with thee, thou has held me by my right hand..."

Sometimes I'm an abject mess.

No shiny objects here, no great impressive achievements except survival, no accolades, no big  and tough. Scrappy, yes, very street smart... but no resplendent perfection, not yet.

I am still moving out of " head down in survival mode" as so many of the Elder poor. I cling to God and His Son, as I walk through this. I continue to write about it.

I took a spiritual tumble this week. A dear friend and  Brother in Christ who is 77, suddenly had his youngest son in his 50's, his namesake, die in 48 hrs of a major stroke.  My prayer group dived on this in prayer, the minute we got the request.  I camped my pup tent at the Throne of grace before Papa, the One Who created this man and all of us.  I felt cautiously hopeful my friend's son had work left to do and God would heal him and restore him.  I did not make any presumptions, as I know enough to not second-guess God, but I remained hopeful.

Well, no.  God healed him by bringing him Home.

I fell  into deep despair for several hours, along with my own seemingly relentless money battles, wanting and praying to willingly trade my own 71 yr old life for my friend's  son, as a child should not die before a parent,  right?? I swear, I wanted to lay down and die if God had given permission for me to offer my life in lieu of my friend's son's life...but God did not take my desperate plea.

My friend's son was healed by going Home.  I admit, I am SO jealous because he is Home and I am not, yet. 

Gods ways are not our ways.

What do I have at nearly age 72?? An Avalanche of Pebbles, meaning little charming bits of this and that, blunt life experiences but no great boulders of achievement in human realm.

I am fortunate to have a loving and stable church, in which we pray heartily for one another. Prayer is a life-line for all of us in these tumultuous times.  The Christian faith is designed to be practiced in a fellowship, not completely alone.   

I am grateful for what I have...a roof over my head in cold and hot,  food to eat, clothing to wear, a working car, all my senses and all my limbs and fingers, reasonably good health and the gift of words God gave to me.  I can remain humble and hold my Servant's Heart.   

Why, then, was I so devastated by my friend's son's early death?? I did not know him, I did not know his life circumstances.  I am such a deeply empathic and sensitive soul and have often wondered WHY the heck does God keep someone like me, here?? I still have no answers, even though I "flop on the couch with Papa" every single night, with my pen and notebook, pouring out  my heart before Him, just as King David did in the book of Psalms and asking God for help and wisdom.  I keep nothing back, hide nothing and am always greeted by His overwhelming love and mercy, even while He tells me things I am not always enthusiastic to hear, like "you are needed in this great battle, you have some work left to do, I gave you gifts and things to offer, I am not yet bringing you Home, even though I will answer your prayer to not live to grand old age..."  

One can pour out one's soul before God and He will allow this pouring to occur. He does not castigate me for being raw and rumbly. He does not stand over me with a stick.  But...He also does not always answer my prayers as I would like.  

The key with the Christian faith is that God, while He loves us and while He created each of us and while He gave unique gifts to each of us, He knows things that we do not. He has the great wisdom and compassion to see beyond our current circumstances and help us across the burning desert and across the stormy seas. I know not one person in my nearly 72 years, that has had smooth sailing all the way through. Each of us gets our portions of "slam-dunking" along the way. 

Of course it certainly helps if one does not...wander OFF into the ditch, rebel against the holy laws God placed for humans, the parameters we are guided to live within, to prevent so many disasters we have caused ourselves.  I place myself at the top of this rowdy list, as so much of what I have suffered has been self-caused or self-nudged, shall we say.  I don't like being told what to do, I have a still-sharp tongue, I still feel like an outcast from the formal world.  I just do not fit in, almost anywhere. I do not resonate with 98% of the world.

Good grief, Wendy Elizabeth Williams, have you tried a different path, actually sitting down and more deeply listening to what Papa and His Son have to say??  Well...yes and no. I try and try and I give up and I give up...there's the rub. I get so incredibly discouraged by both myself and the world.  

Do I not think that OTHERS might feel the same way?? Is that why God made me so blasted sensitive and an...empath??? I feel things so deeply. Sometimes this is a blessing and sometimes a curse...and yet, since I have gone through some things, like sudden death of loved ones, steep emotional roiling, deep depression and sorrow, a hard and cynical shell of self-protection, PERHAPS I can advocate for others who, like me, are brokenhearted. Is this one of the secrets of how God uses each of us in our own broken-ness, to help others in the...SAME boat?? We can help from our own visceral and emotional experiences, yes?

Biggest W.E.W. sigh ever...and yet God is always correct.

OK, Papa, I will stay in Isaiah 61:1,  "...bind up the brokenhearted..."  That is what I am called to do, along with "encourage the discouraged."  I do look foward to going Home...and meeting Papa and His Son and Holy Spirit directly. I look forward to seeing my loved ones who have gone on ahead of me (including my Mom and other dear relatives). This also includes my mentioned friend's dear wife, who went Home in 2021. She was not only a beloved Sister in Christ but also my Mentor, who took me under her wing for five years, putting up with my rawness and bluntness and rebellion. She loved on me just like Papa and His Son...allowing for my rough-hewn bluntness but seeing my heart for the wounded, as she had the same heart. Thank You, Papa God, for your mercy over me!

Wendy Elizabeth Williams    September 13, 2024

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