LOVE LETTERS TO THE POOR, CHAP. 11

HOLY DESPERATION, A CONTROL FREAK AND A STEALTH GOD

What in the heck is "holy desperation???"  Doesn't being a control freak (me) seem like the polar opposite to being desperate??? How can desperation be holy??  How can God be "stealthy"???

So many (good!) questions.  In the midst of desperation, questions abound, great "loner" questions. 

With a three week break from writing on my Substack due to unexpected short work assignments  and also cataract surgery on my left eye, I am somewhat unsnapped from the world. Substack has been an anchor for me.  

Glad to be back in the writing chair, despite the foggy run of disorganization....

I was nudged out of my comfort zone (i.e. up at the crack of dawn, NOT a morning person), and a brief crash course in some wonderful computer thingies (EXCEL...this is for YOU...ARGH..)  There was then a brief but unnerving procedure on my left eye, to remove a cataract... not an easy journey for Miss WEW over last three weeks. Giving up even a bit of control over my fragile, tiny corner of the world is WAY scary. No choice, as per so much of the material realm...and how viscerally do I resist giving up control!

Yes, amidst the survival battle, I have tempests of sheer and utter financial desperation, screaming at the top of my spiritual lungs for some door to open for me,  AKA " holy desperation."  Holy because I cry out to God...and desperate because I am desperate!

As a many year member of the working poor, my temperament does not like much challenge. While I am a strong survivor and lived in two big cities for nearly 40 years (Seattle, San Francisco),  I generally do not seek out being shocked and pushed,  often expecting defeat and stepping back from the bare-bones and vicious fray. I tend toward the place of retreat, which may be a common experience for those who are struggling over money. Retreat is retreat but more quiet and somewhat peaceful and yes, direct irony there! Confronted by the " ambitious" and Type A's of the money realm, it has been my arduous and painful experience that many of us of lower income are very intimidated by the roaring demands of money- making. We experience being flattened, dismissed and treated with condescension. Despite how hard it is being poor, the harsh intensity of money-making is sheer overwhelm and torment and we retreat into the hidden forest. We learn raw and basic survival skills and endeavor to help one another. We are far from stupid, many of us are very intelligent...we just do not resonate with the pressures of "achievement" and blasted ladder- climbing!    EWW !!

The deeper you go in your journey with God, with relationship, it is a difficult road that pushes every button you have in a very primal way.  You discover that God's ways are NOT your ways. This is why I call God "stealthy."  Since He created us, just maybe He knows things we do not.  Walking with God and His Son in a way that is past the surface "unicorns and bunnies, sweet and syrupy", is NOT an easy task. This is not polite "religion" and will change everything about your life, step by step.  Can you talk to God?  Yes!!! Can you pour out your soul before Him, can you be raw and blunt and not politically correct, in your sorrowful states??? YES,  YES and YES.  See multiple Psalms, with King David, his rants are legendary but he always loved God no matter what he was enduring. He did not carry emotional junk with him, he cast it on God!

I am an INCREDIBLE control freak, despite being poor for so many years. It makes no sense whatsoever, a control over my empire of dusty things??? Clutter??? Disarray??? Piggy banks of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters/??  No savings for being OLD??? ( I am 70 1/2.)

I live in the decor of "early American Flintstone-floor", not impressive in the least , this mode of abode. It is not inspiring to much except survival, which I am very good at...but getting very weary of it.  I did not expect to live to old age and do not have a “comfortable retirement fund."

In the midst of all this difficulty, God, our Heavenly Father, shows great love, mercy and patiently walks with us rebellious sheep, back out of the thorn patch and into His glorious Household. He does indeed, just like our earthly Fathers, guide us but also allows us to make our mistakes of judgment and action, just as I did for 35 years of wandering.  Saved to Christ as a young child, waylaid by awful grief in youth, it is truly God's incredible mercy that relentlessly sent the Hound of Heaven (Holy Spirit) out after me, brought me back in my abject despair and has been slowly cleansing and renewing me in body-mind-soul-spirit since 2002. 

As I continue on my humble plod back Home, it is my profound hope that my years of fruitless rebellion will act as a beacon of warning of what not to do, that you instead bring ALL YOUR SORROW, ANGER AND DESPAIR  right directly to God every single day. Instead of wandering in an attempt to ram your tears through the impenetrable blockage of the devil, you grab Christ's Hand savagely wounded for you and simply pour out your heart, repent when you have missed it and ask for and accept His love and help for that one day...and to the next.

No other way to live!  Take this from an emotionally-battered, recovering cynical survivor. Do NOT battle alone and set aside your pride and accept God's love that will make you whole again, step by step. 

GOD AND HIS SON ARE THE PROFOUND ANSWER to every situation, a hand up and out, day by day and into that glorious Eternity with Them once this temporary home is done!  I so look forward to that day!!!

Wendy Williams 

May 13, 2023