LOVE LETTERS TO THE POOR, CHAP. 13

 HIDING IN THE CAVE OF ADULLAM...WEAVING A HOLY DRESS OF INDIGO

 A solemn dream beyond survival, as King David did...

I Samuel 22:1-2 "So David left Gath and escaped to the cave of Adullam. Soon his brothers and all his other relatives joined him there. Then others began coming--men who were in trouble, in debt or who were just discontented.--until David was the captain of about 400 men." 

David was anointed to be King of Israel...what was he doing hiding in a cave???  Fleeing his enemies who seek to kill him, he in desperation ends up taking refuge in a cave of Adullam, a place in ancient Judah. 

I was led by Holy Spirit to this passage of scripture, as I cried out to God once again, for help in time of ongoing financial need. WHY, I weep, do I go through this over and over again, the scramble for money, up the rent mountain every single month, struggle, tumbling up, no full rest or hope beyond that month.  What is wrong with me?? 

I immediately was drawn in to the description  of the sorrowful minds of the men in distress,  who ran to join the " discombobulated" (my word!) David, alongside his own troubles. Oh, how deeply can I relate to all this! 

Being a low income person for so long, hope is often hard to come by and the battle gets really old. Running and running and more running...it is like a treadmill in which you do not make progress, just keeps going around. Feels like cruel joke, shamed by the hard driving world. I CLING to God and to His mercy, otherwise I would have been dead long ago.  For some reason , God keeps me here, writing these humble Substack pieces, an invisible woman, toiling in "obscurity" and writing for a handful of very dear readers, the primer of "what not to do."

( See my past writings, about the folly of wandering away from God in rebellion, instead of bringing your sorrow directly to Him every day.)

 I have a lifelong love of beauty and all things fabric, garments and style, even if I dress in a survival style honed by practical Big City demands.  I no longer live in big cities but hold to the survival clothing style.

I  have had this vivid vision of a magical dress in the ethereal shade of dark indigo, the color of the deep twilight at the day’s end.  Far beyond my seemingly relentless struggle for survival and the basics, even at age 70, I carry this vision in my heart, even if never really expecting this magical dress to come to fruition.

 And then...in my daily fellowship with God with my notebook and pen, God being the stealth Papa He is, starts talking and telling me about this dress, " a garment woven into your soul and spirit,"  a garment of my heart. He then proceeds to describe the dress: custom made just for me, it is a shirtwaist with 3/4 sleeves, soft full skirt, sumptuous cotton, pearl buttons to the waist, side seam pockets, modest and comforting, poignant and feminine without being "sicky-sweet."  I am not particularly a  "fluffy" type of girl but I am not raunchy or masculine either. Dignified!  I like to be covered from the darkness of the world but almost never wear dresses anymore. I do not know why this dress has persisted in the vision in my spirit for so many years. 

I am so weary of the flagrant and vulgar mode that has permeated so much of women's garments in modern days. My Pinterest pages are a journey of history, of the softness of the 1950s and early 1960s, in which women's garments were attractive without being so overly seductive or aggressive. ( My Pintetest pages are at “wendywsfwriter” for any that want to visit.) These are not "weak little women", this is power spoken from the mind and the spirit, not the body. It is  combined with softness of color, beautifully cut and presented with a dignity and quiet confidence that need not  be tight, short or revealing. The great power of modesty is an untapped resource.

This dress appears to my spirit over and over again, even in the heat of battle to survive in my Elder age. I do not understand why I see this dress so often. I cannot find it in thrift stores, too many flowers or silly patterns in dresses, not the quiet sober statement that feeds my soul. I do not seek to be revealed, I like being hidden. Modesty is POWER held in reserve.

The low income mindset is often "head down in survival mode" and very little on the hope horizon...and yet I know God tells us to have hope and to hope in Him and His Son Jesus Christ. My lifelong love of beauty has walked wtih me through so many vales of tears and I still live and breathe for right now.  

Over a decade ago, I visited a spiritually powerful church in Northern California, in the midst of a great personal financial battle, the biggest one of my life back in 2011. Having lost a beloved long term place to live and marginally homeless for 13 months with no formal permanent home, I remember the hot summer night, walking through the parking lot to the evening service of this church. I am certain this is where the seed of the vision of this marvelous dress was born, through my desperate struggle to survive. 

A spark of hope...a beautiful dress that feeds my feminine spirit, a hope of a bit of prospering, a feeding of my weeping soul....yes, please, Papa God, show me how to get there from here! The mindset of lack is so potent, I NEED HELP to come up and out!  Thankfully, Holy Spirit is so kind and gentle and such a great Teacher and He shows me so many useful things. He told me tonight to simply sit down at the keyboard of my laptop and begin to pour out this Substack piece and send it out on a wing and a prayer.

Just like David in the gnarly cave, surrounded by desperate and sorrowful men, he began to lead them and step by trembling step, they became a formidable fighting force. God keeps telling me I have work left to do, despite my pleas to just come Home!  Ministry to the brokenhearted...like me...can it be???  What changed for David and the sad pack of misfits who seemingly were not wanted and had nowhere to turn? They banded together and God WORKED THROUGH THESE LUMPS OF MIRY CLAY, to make miracles happen through darkest night! ( See I Corinthians 1:27 for how God chooses the weak and foolish...like them and like me...)

I continue to hold desperately to His hand as He asks me to do, pouring out my sorrow daily, repenting quickly, asking for help and counsel and guidance for the road, even when I feel INVISIBLE. Beauty feeds my spirit and that is how He made me.

Holding fast, in my heart I am  wearing my lovely indigo cotton shirtwaist dress with a soft cardigan and ballet flats, invoking my long dormant feminine wardrobe, outside of basic thrift survival. I am opening a tiny crack in the door of hope. This is hope that I can come up out of the cave of Adullam with my woven dress of feminine beauty and a tiny light of inspiration to guide me to help even one other brokenhearted person. That would make my life worthwhile and even help me live awhile longer....

Wendy Williams    June 5, 2023