A good portion of financial lack is accompanied by what I call "the spirit of overwhelm." There are so many demands from the material realm, to do this, pay that, accomplish this, fit in here and not there, stay in this lane, wear this, do not wear that, listen to ME, do not do what you feel happy doing, you MUST surrender to HUMAN, INC! I never did well with this forceful directive, as this did not seem to have my own heart and spirit, "at heart." I would say, too many tellers, not enough listeners. This is why I consider myself to be a member of what I call the "Bohemian Poor", Bohemian meaning the oddballs, eccentrics and creatives to the side of mainstream things. We pay the price for being outside the mainstream. At age 70, I certainly know there is a very narrow path in society that we all must tread in order to not have mass chaos. I have my own very visceral experiences with raw rebellion and I know in retrospect that some “order” is needed. I have paid a very steep price for this rebellion and hence, this series on Substack. We cannot have a basic "civil" society working, with every person doing only what they feel like. I get it. My point is only to share my challenges in navigating this rough road and the despair I have experienced. I am no pile of perfection! I rebel, I shove back, I retain my corner, I do not fit in many many places. In fact, I feel 98 per cent of the world does not resonate with me past the surface level. I can sit in the back and attempt to remain unseen and invisible and yet...I need others as well. Where to find the stern and narrow balance??? I am nothing if not a digger and hunter/tracker. I say, with some rueful expression, late, yes, but not never!
A rough job, this. The Bohemian poor by core temperament are outside the norm. and yet, we do need some help, especially as we get older.
I have spent a majority of my life in retreat. "Keep the basics afloat" has been my major focus. I have never had the core temperament of the “achiever.” Nothing wrong with achievers, I just never resonated with that.
I am a very deep person and sometimes that depth gets in my way.
I once joined a small mob of temp workers at a trade show held in Moscone Center in downtown San Francisco, back in the 1990’s. As the group was directed by an authority figure to come to an assembling point for our work assignments, I suddenly began to have a type of panic attack, feeling I could not "get" the directions and my assigned job for that day. I felt more and more afraid and standing at the very back, I quietly began to slink away, hoping to depart and find some solution to my distress. I was seen walking away and someone came after me, inquiring on my state of mind (distress.) I was crying, trying to explain my overwhelmed state. Fortunately for me, they were kind and found me another assignment I could comfortably do. Extremely humiliating!
So much of my experience in poverty is feeling "odd man out" or some kind of outcast who JUST DOES NOT FIT IN... I know the sorrow of this and fully the despair of never finding one's way.
I humbly speak in this ongoing series of “Love Letters to the Poor", offering encouragement to others who also feel this despair. I want to vent what I have experienced in my journey in a lower income life and also my slow journey up and out of financial lack, with the mighty hands of Holy Spirit as my Teacher through the fray. There is not one speck of SCOLDING in this journey I share!! I DETEST scolding and I will never scold! For many of us who feel so overwhelmed so much of the time, only the Presence of God, His Son and Holy Spirit can help us into stability step by trembling step. I am not seeking great wealth. I am seeking a stable framework of using the gifts God gave to me (words!) and it is my sincere hope to encourage and support others in the same boat. I do not seek fame, mansions or luxury cars. I seek stability and an honorable way to keep myself afloat and also help others as Holy Spirit directs me. This is NOT “get rich and all problems will be solved!” Great wealth does not solve the inner problems.
I will be sharing many of my adventures from my 31 years of living in San Francisco, as it was there that I most powerfully saw the intensity of my survival journey in a very tough City and how God helped me little bit by little bit, to allow Him into my sorrowful heart and spirit. Much of the storyline will be from my 17 years as a residential leasing agent in SF and nearby, small adventures of beauty, magic and God’s help. I intend to be as transparent as possible, with all my flaws obvious, to simply show that God works with us as we are, not as we wish to be. Each day is a journey with Him, as He transforms us through the renewal of the mind. Romans 12:2
Wendy Williams February 25, 2023