SOMETIMES I'M SNARLY
The Broken Leading the Broken...
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Psalm 43:5 "Why art thou cast down, oh my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance and my God."
He was long and lean, with long blond hair . On an impromptu night, I met him on a dance floor, invited him home to my bed and posthaste, found myself pregnant. He never knew and I never saw him again. Abortion # one was a “menses induction" done at four weeks (before a pregnancy test would show) at Lovejoy Specialty Hospital in Portland, Oregon in August 1973, $50. Incredibly , I was once again pregnant several weeks later, by my new boyfriend. He was a nice guy, rather a wild man and very jealous. A pregnancy test told me I was positive and at seven weeks, had abortion # two in Eugene, Oregon at a clinic, $200. Boyfriend was wistful about a kid we had made by being irresponsible... but he did not pressure me. What a royal messed-up mess I had made, on top of failing in college and living in grave emotional chaos and steep falls of depression.
Over the years, I built a solid fortress around my own wounded heart and worked to keep people at bay. I did a good job at it, but how self-defeating that action was! "Snarly" is my name for my sharp tongue and swift reparte' that would keep people away but defeated things at the same time. Intimacy is difficult with a snarly...
The overwhelming longing to be loved is similar in both men and women but somehow, since the somewhat more innocent times of my youth, the plague of lust, fueled by pornography, has become virulent and devastating to both genders. This has always been the devil's plan, to destroy the core family of Dad, Mom and the children they create together. The tenderness of the "white picket fence" has been smashed to bits. I am gravely ashamed beyond measure that I myself added my smash to that fence. The cynical stone of my spirit added a blunt force trauma to the stabilizing force of man and woman marrying. My generation had no real clue of the disaster we were brewing. We were swept up in sorrowful rebellion, with the Vietnam War square in the middle of wrenching our hearts to bits. I lost one brother in that in 1968.
Now in 2024 we have sexual chaos beyond comprehension, with children used in sex slavery and women the same, and abortion seemingly worshipped as some kind of rite of passage or celebratory event of young women's life. The female spirit is condemned and trashed and yet...desired and needed. What a strange and sorrowful dichotomy...
Both my abortions were unpleasant and neither were they remotely celebratory. They were physically painful, they were disorienting, they further froze my already wounded and grieving heart. Both times I got pregnant, I was not being remotely responsible, as I was not using any contraception. I wandered in utter chaos for a very long time. Somehow, I did not get pregnant again, used a barrier method of contraception (diaphragm), and this was a small miracle in itself.
I still remember my girlish shock in elementary school, when a girl who was a friend of mine, whispered that another friend's Dad read...PLAYBOY magazine! Shocked, I was. Now Playboy is practically demure compared to the horrifying porn of 2024. How deeply we have fallen into chaos!
For men, it seems the loneliness is only growing and expanding. The MGTOW movement (heterosexual "Men Going Their Own Way" in separating from women completely), the men’s rights movement, the sorrowful loneliness of " incels", I feel it, I feel the sadness, I feel the heaviness of defeat and combat.
Over the last several weeks, as I am Elder in age and am one who does not remotely exude flirtation online and is serious as core nature, I have been approached online by men, three on my Pinterest, one on Substack. Of the three on Pinterest, one claimed to be someone famous and wanted me to text him " so I can teach you about the Bible," one asked if I was married, and one wanted my photo. I did not “comply”. One man new to Substack, after sending me a Direct Message and with one neutral paragraph from me simply and gently offering "welcome to Substack and I suggest you write about what you know and have experienced and share with with the world " words from me, decided we must continue our intimate talk " in the morning ", as if I had indicated immediate interest in him. I had not remotely expressed an interest in him and I had to gently shut him down.
I find all this very distressing . I am not some 20 year old chick looking for hot guys to hook up with. Heck, I'm at Grandmother age, NOT a “cougar” and no way on the hunt! I am a serious person by core temperament and am not remotely flirtatious. Even in my very rowdy youth, I was not flirtatious, I was a hunter. Now I am kind and neutrally supportive and cordial but not looking for a date!
I feel the sadness and I have no interest in being mean. I know there are sorrowful hearts out there, my own included. This is why I say the world seems so much to be the broken leading the broken!
There HAS to be a better way.
This is why our Creator God made for us the sacred Covenant of marriage, so one man and one woman could have companionship, fellowship and a safer place for sexual intimacy, as also to possibly create some children together. Humans have made a staggering filthy mess of this. Marriage is very difficult. This is trying to merge two rugged individualists under one roof, deal with financial and work pressures, pressures of pregnancy, childbirth, the raising of little persons to not be barbarians and to help them grow into responsible adults, while preserving Mom and Dad as still sexual beings who have needs beyond procreation.
I get it.
From my own visceral 35 years of fleeing God as a Prodigal, returning Home to God and now viewing life as an Elder woman of nearly 72 in Nov. 2024, I believe the main core need of women and men is God and His Son Jesus Christ. Since I never formally married nor gave birth to children, I cannot speak from the direct front lines of marriage. I can say with certainty, however, that life works better when you partner with God and simply bring your broken heart to Him each and every day. Cast the heavy burdens on Him and ask for help. He can and does help, day by day, step by step. Our broken-ness is not an impediment for God, as while He can be serious and at times, sobering, He is not "snarly". What a relief for someone like me, so compassed about with steep emotions every day!
Maybe, just maybe, God can handle and carry heavy things that I absolutely cannot! Maybe His wide shoulders are strong enough to carry Wendy's heavy and sorrowful emotions and help me cast them off, one by one and day by day.
Wendy Elizabeth Williams Friday October 4, 2024
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BLESSINGS!!!
Wendy Williams
❤️
Praying for you, dear Wendy.