SOMETIMES ONLY GOD SHOWS UP

In a Sea of Thimbles, the battle of self in the Christian faith

• James 2:5:

  "Harken my beloved brethren, Hath not God chosen the poor of this world,  rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom he hath promised to them that love him?"

  You should hear me sobbing before Papa God sometimes... (actually, NO you don't!)  Contrary to some (outsider?) opinion, the Christian faith is a warrior faith all the way. Sometimes kind and tender but in the dark of the night, it is a warrior faith, 100%. We have not only our human self to deal with but the fallen angel Lucifer, who attacks us and tries to destroy us who follow God and His Son. It is the PRIMAL battle of self and the difficult pull of the human psyche and the "flesh" over the refining power of God and His Son. 

   

  I am one of those people who were "born tired".  I never have had a surplus of energy! I stumbled my way through youth (some illegal drugs were woven in... but those were temporary).  I see my energy as a thimble rather than an ocean, a drop in the proverbial bucket that barely keeps me afloat in this vast sea.  I certainly have not made a financial success of my life, having been  on the lower end of the economic structure for over forty years.  I'm a strong survivor but it is getting...no pun...old. Born 1952, y'all!  

  My decades of rebellion and sorrowful wandering away from God wore very thin over the years and only the MERCY of God was my saving grace and continues to be.  I seemed to have a plentiful supply of sheer stupidity in my desperate quest to not only "survive" but to "be free", toward what end, I have no idea.  I was operating from a ditch at the side of the flow of humanity, running and running and running not only to survive but battling to not allow God back into my life when I felt SO unworthy and only saw my flaws. 

  Even  the tender words of Christ, "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest"  did not always pierce my wounded heart.  I must be one of God's "prime resisters", as I have battled to keep His love from fully helping me.  

  Demented, thy name can sometimes be Wendy Elizabeth Williams...although the amazing thing is how patient, merciful and relentless God really is. Once you meet Him and His Son, you are lovingly pursued!  This is not "please come over for tea and cookies and we shall chat!" They are NOT part-time God and Son!

  No, God is pretty blunt.  This is a warrior faith all the way.  This is "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God".  Yet that admonition does not just leave you in a lonely puddle of tears and self-condemnation, it actually  offers you the Hand of Christ, savagely wounded for you, as a way up and out of that blasted ditch.  Then, the real work begins. 

  First is the acknowledgement of sin and your true  repentance, the broken heart and contrite spirit for all the times you have missed the loving invitation to simply lay your burden down and your demand to DO IT MY WAY. This culture is so incredibly demanding, to be strong and perfect and thin and rich, all the time. NOT possible. False perfection!

  The world is so relentless in the demands: do this, be here at this time, dress like this, act this way, repress your temperament to fit in, to be cheerful when you feel like crying and collapsing,  you are demanded to GO-GO-GO.  I have never been able to fulfill this blasted stuff. My great solution: falling apart, crying, becoming a hipster and fruitless rebel. Brilliant, Wendy, just brilliant!

  NOT.

  Recently, in my nightly "hang out with God" with a notebook, pen and Bible , where  I pour out my heart and then get quiet and LISTEN for God's voice, Papa absolutely amazed me.

  He said "I want the failures."

  I sat, stunned by that quiet declaration of the polar opposite of all the world tells us.  

  "I want the failures."  (God, have You met ME, a top graduate from this vaunted school of fail???) Have You forgotten my 35 years as a Prodigal from You??

  What God would want us messes?  The disorderly, the rebellious, the sorrowful, the not-confident, the disorganized, the cantankerous, the mean, the rowdy, the disobedient, the shameless, the profane, the maladjusted, the...FAILURES???

  Me, who jumped into bed with many strangers in the decade from 18 to 28, who broke all God's laws and had the arrogance to demand my demands, how dare I ask for help?  Two abortions within three months in 1973, sexually transmitted diseases, a myriad of broken hearts (my own and others), profane world view, financial chaos, bankruptcy, drug addiction,  filthy me...

  I will not likely figure this out this side of Glory...but I will no longer walk away from the One Who has my best interests at heart.  I have seen the dark side enough times to say with humility and bluntness, God's way is BETTER.  WAY better. He and His beloved Son Jesus Christ, take the broken and shattered vessels, begin to so gently wash them and gradually remove the decades of grime and sorrow and hurt. Once that has begun, the "washing of regeneration" continues, as God, Who created each of us, begins to shape and mold us into the likeness of His dear Son. No, this is not that each of us becomes a carbon copy of Christ, but that we can be shaped by the Master Potter, the dross gradually removed and the beauty and majesty begins to show forth. God tempers and shapes the failures into beauty, step by step.

  It is a difficult process, not often pleasant. I do not do well at hard work, I do not like being told what to do, I am not an "achiever" except for survival... and yet, the God Who made me is so overwhelmingly loving and gentle and kind and MERCIFUL, even someone like me, who resists and resists and resists in such impertinent determination, finally sets down my useless sword and...ASKS FOR HELP.  I cannot do this on my own, God. I finally surrender more and more each day.  

  We cannot do this on our own. The template of "sometimes only God shows up" can be very true, as we cast desperately  in all four directions for some book, some saying, some weekend seminar, some handy grab-bag of immediate solutions to our sorrows. No, sometimes, often-times, only God will show up and only God will offer us His Hand, Who willingly pulls us gently up out of the most recent ditch we have again stumbled into. We do not deserve His compassions but they..."fail not".   

  God, He actually KNOWS things!   My tiny thimble of energy can actually be used to help someone else in the same ditch. If I could help even one person, I will consider my life to be a success. Start with one minute, then an hour, then a morning, an afternoon, an evening, a day, then a week, then a month, then a year. See what God can do! Just don't let go! ASK, SEEK, KNOCK!

  Wendy Elizabeth Williams    July 12, 2024

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