THE CAVEMAN GRIP
A control freak still learning to hand over the keys...
From Psalm 73: 2-3, 5, 7, 13, 17:
"But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well-nigh slipped...
For I was envious at the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked ...They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men....Their eyes stand out with fatness; they have more than heart could wish...Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocency...until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I saw their end."
On the Comforter, Holy Spirit John 16: 7,13: "nevertheless, I tell you the truth. It is expedient for you that I go away; for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you...Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak and he will show you things to come."
Why do we need The Comforter, Who Christ speaks of and Who is sent after Jesus returns Home to Heaven? The Comforter is Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God Himself, Who comes alongside us in our travail and walks with us, just like in Pslam 23, through the valley of the shadow of death.
What the hey is "the caveman grip", you might ask? This is the fearful grip of survival, the primitive grasp of the basics. If you have been poor at any time in your life, you will likely understand this concept! It is certainly not easy for me to strip bare my soul and pour out to the world, the sorrow of non-success! This, I would not willingly choose...and yet there is God's divine purpose in all this and He has directly asked me to write on this and other subjects I have shared before on Substack.
There must be large numbers of dear people out there in the same leaky boat, struggling through the difficult world. Perhaps I am one small voice of compassion and empathy? Perhaps I might even have some survival (and "thrival"!) tips! I have certainly been climbing the "rent mountain" since my youth!
While I am not lazy but also not a naturally high energy person, I have found the bits and pieces I could in order to keep going. Gig economy and simple self-employment carried me through many years, along with a very simple life with low demands. I have had a handful of " breaks" in life to help me but I have most certainly worked!
Still, I have broken the dominant pronouncement rule of Western culture: "You must be a success in the material realm!" As a non-success in the material realm, I still remain corded to my primitive survival space, AKA a "cave.”
Admittedly, there are plenty of "outer" control freaks out there, demanding access to one's life and that you "trust me, I'm here to help you."
Man, how I do the utter opposite of that sometimes pushy request! I do not respond well to being shoved on and tend to respond with " BACK OFF, Intruder!" I guess that is not an unreasonable thing, to some degree.
I hardly have great influence in the world, now do I?? Why do I insist on being the rodent who was quite loud?? Do you remember that kid's book from long ago, about a loud mouse??
This mindset is not that productive, prosperous, or rational... and yet I struggle so hard to come up out of this. Just scolding does not do a thing for me.
I'm a strange combo platter of sensitive soul, deep-feeling empath who clearly feels the pain of others and sharp- tongued blunt girl who does not like being pushed. I am extremely street-smart, having lived previously in big cities. With nearly 40 years of past living in both Seattle and San Francisco and close-in SF Bay area, I learned self-employment (gig economy to an extent) and strong awareness of my surroundings, a core tenet of being street-smart. What that also does is place a serious barrier around my heart in many ways. I resist trusting of humans.
I have paid a stern price for that sharp tongue, partially a defense mechanism for a smaller in stature person and one smashed by grief, so young. Between 14 and 16, 1966 to 1968, yanked by sudden death of both my Mom, flattened by Vietnam War death from one brother, I moved, at least much of the time, into my own personal Bastille Prison. The Bastille did not look very warm and fuzzy... but cold, vacant, brutal, sublimely self-protective. How strange that I began to craft this writing piece ... on Bastille Day, July 14, 2025...
Why, W.E.W.? Part of getting to Elder age ( I will be 73 this November 2025) is perhaps the deep journey of introspection. I am not a " navel-gazer" but I most assuredly do simmer too much on things. You look back on valleys and mountains and all in between...also called "ruminating", which is not always so great. Not moving enough, ruminating, reviewing and obsessing too much... Used to be called "stuck in the head." Yep...
Finding my gift of words from God was a small beginning to unlock my heavy padlock of sadness. Scolding does not work, admonishment does not work, and haranguing definitely does not work. Holding pen in trembling hand, hovering over blank paper with spoken thoughts and then attaching to the material realm...this is the one small step of action that actually resonates with my soul. Sharing my love of fabric and garments and beauty also brings me life. I am a survivor for sure but never have been high in natural physical energy. Being what I call a "type Z" ( my own invention, to my knowledge, meaning those who are the polar opposite to type A), I have had to find my way through stumble and grumble.
My Christian faith has literally been a saving grace! God is good. God is merciful. God is kind.
God is also more stubborn than any Being I have ever known. While I have certainly argued with Papa God more times than I can count...at least I can have a dialogue with Him. Guess what book of the Bible I am currently roaming through? JOB. The book of Job, in the Old Testament, is the book of an honorable man whom God, at the devil's cynical sarcastic reply that Job would drop his reverence for God if his own wealth was stripped from him, allows the devil to slam-dunk Job as a cosmic test. Job goes through his disaster, (loss of children, loss of wealth, direct attack on his health) and has a herd of three friends who do a miserable job of comforting him. He actually calls them "miserable comforters" and I agree! They are pompously convinced that Job has some vast hidden sin that brought the disasters on him and act as scolders while accusing him in their own utter self righteousness. They help not a whit…but the result is the same for Job, with sorrow, what is called "remonstrating" with God. Quite the great stage play of cosmic battles...and yet all through it, even though Job grieved and struggled, he never once "cursed God". Even though Job endured huge sorrow through his loss (and understandably so) he remained with God, through the travail. He asked God for answers. Finally, Gods voice shows up and in four very blunt chapters at the end of the book, guides Job through the wonder of just what God has done (the Creator and all His incredible works.) After the most panoramic verbal SLAM DUNK of all history, God then fully restores all good to Job and the devil is defeated.
This is part of the wonder of how God works in our individual lives. Some of us are bright and shiny on the surface, great material successes and stars, we are stars, I tell you!
Then there's me...
Even though slow to learn and arguing uselessly all the way, I HAVE HELD ON. God has not abandoned me, despite my own grief and sorrowful financial struggles. Somehow the struggles have driven me closer to God, not away from Him. It's a plot, I tell you! This is more of the "Stealth Papa" I call God the Father!
Well, duh, He might know something...and just "mebbe" I can help even one other person out there who may have gone through something similar.
As I share my gnarly roaming through the ditch of survival (I don't recommend it as a shelter), perhaps even one spark will touch the dry and sad heart of someone out there. I reach daily to listen to Holy Spirit. This is called CLINGING and I heartily recommend it. Comforter, indeed! Jesus called Holy Spirit the "Comforter" before Christ headed Home to Heaven and promised to send a Comforter to help his nascent church. I learn from Him.
You know what?? He ALWAYS has a smile on His face! Never once have I heard Him scold or harangue me or even deeply sigh, like "here's that WEW again with her tale of latest woe..."
No, He listens patiently, smiles that overwhelming smile and then says " OK! Now here are our next steps, WEW!", as He stands up from the couch next to me, offers His hand and says " Hold my hand, let's go, I'll walk with you in the next step!"
No scolding, no judgments, no dismissal...but also no allowance for me to return to the ditch! That is a huge part of the key, KEEP ON, KEEP MOVING, KEEP REPENTANCE AND HEART CLEAR.
I am being shown parts of myself that I have buried in sorrow, hidden in "I give up" more times than I can count. If you have spent much of your life in defeat, you will understand this dilemma. Holy Spirit is my Advocate, my Coach, my loving support. This is NOT "tough love", this is essentially, the "love for the tough." ( that plucky phrase just got dumped on me...by guess Who??)
Thanks, God, I need You desperately!!! The Comforter knows this and as we connect and partner with Him, we discover an incredible Advocate Who prays FOR and WITH us. Can you imagine?? Being prayed for by God!!!
By the way, I am actually making small progress in my finances! I have no debt, income slowly moving up. Huge God miracle! This is Wendy’s beloved "Avalanche of Pebbles" , the power of little bit by little bit by little bit...
Wendy Elizabeth Williams, Friday, July 18, 2025
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"...parts of myself that have been hidden in sorrow". How true! A singular traumatic event can change a life forever. Some dig themselves out, others don't. Neither way is easy.
Very clear and apposite as ever.