A MIGHTY LEAP OF AN INCH

Starting over a thousand times, From Here to There!

• Lamentations 3:21-24:  "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not, they are new every morning, great is thy faithfulness."

  Isaiah 61:1 :  "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me because He hath anointed me to preach good tidings to the meek, he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted..."

  It is an utter God miracle that I still live. At 71, I have indeed "started over a thousand times" (at least). I have had no real "success" in this earthly realm. 

   I again retrace the (stumbling) steps, get the broom, get the mop, clean up the (current) mess, look where I put this or that...again, neaten up (for what purpose???)

  I am:

  --Owner and proprietor of organized clutter, perfectly displayed

  --Person of no almost no achievement except survival

  --Plodder of all plodders

  --So often in tears

  --Past the self-hatred phase but still lack deep self-worth

  I have no status whatsoever in this material world.

  In Heaven, I have a vision of my Eternal Home, a spacious, light and airy country cottage, with a large living room, stone fireplace and a lovely pine table with several chairs. 

  In a recent deepening fellowship with God and His Son Jesus Christ, They truly meet me wherever I am at any given moment. No castigating, no scolding, but true immense love for this often sorrowful lady, lifting me from that separate moment, to look beyond what is directly in front of me and as Christ told me, "Daughter, look UP!"

  A couple of nights ago as I sat in tears once again, feeling the heavy burden of emotion that I still too often carry on myself, I heard the tender voice of Christ calling, to simply "SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH ME."

  No "brainstorming", no "planning", no "reviewing", no "outlining", no "strategizing".  

  Just "sit with Me", He said and I begin to feel His immense compassion pour over my still wounded heart and soul. He knows my entire long tale of woe. 

  I sit in that wonderful room and I feel Him gently take my hand and I then feel His love pour over me. It is not explainable in words alone,  "you had to be there."

  Over and over and over again, God has called me to "encourage the discouraged."

  Only God, Who sees things beyond what is right in front of us, would call someone as uneven as me, to "encourage the discouraged."  Madness, it would seem to the world, Miss Wendy the expert in UP and then DOWN...(manic-d or bi-polar?)

  I feel gratitude tonight for:

  I have a decent roof over my head

  I have good and healthy food to eat daily

  I have clothes to wear

  I have a comfortable bed

  I have peace and quiet and privacy

  I have basic transport to here and there

  I have electricity and Internet

  I have all my senses, ten fingers and ten toes, both arms and legs and am in reasonably good health, not in the Doctors' office often

  I do not live in violence of any kind

  I have a wonderful small church family and dear brothers and Sisters in Christ who walk the same difficult path as I do.

  I have the privilege of praying for many others

  My name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life

  What an amazing list of blessings!

  Then why do I so often struggle in such frustrating sorrow??

  Scolding myself does not remotely work...so...

  I guess this is the battle I have, my "cross to bear" and to keep moving slowly down the road, even the proverbial inch at a time. Both sides of my family had depression and discouragement and yet tonight, I have the invitation from the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, to simply "sit down at the table with Me." 

  One thing many of us do as we enter Elder age, we think back on our life history and simmer on the things we wish we did not do. My own personal fleeing from God in early teens, from terrible grief back then and spending the next 35 years in rebellion and sadness, I would not suggest this as a life path.

  I am not naive.  I know up close and personal, how difficult the world is: the violence, the lack, the battles, the inequalities, the wars, the ugliness, the theft, the lust for power.  I have lived in low income and zero status for a long time. Even growing up in a comfortable middle class, I never rose up enough to conquer the blocks that kept me from the same status. I have been defeated my whole life, to a large degree. My main gift is words and the ability to write and to be an empath, one who deeply feels the sorrows of others.

  I would simply say, consider the cost of rebellion and rather, daily bring all your sorrows, your anger, your difficulties, your lack of supplies, your invisibility, your discouragement and depression, directly to the One Who created you and the One Who truly feels every single sorrow you have ever endured. Humbly ask for help.

  God is not a "genie", who simply waves a wand and gives us all we want, instantly. Just like the Father of Fathers that He is, He sees far into the distance on behalf of each of us who ask Him to help and who repent, turn away from sin and partner with Him and His Son. He provides for us, moment by moment and day by day. He gives us gifts and abilities that no one else has exactly the same.  He does not expect perfection. I would say that God, the Father of Christ, is a Master of HR, human resources!  Think of it...God, the Creator, the Head of the Universe being the Human Resources Ultimate Manager!  I can imagine this!

  My trauma does not just go away because I follow God. I am being molded day by day and just as a sculptor or potter shapes their art, God shapes and molds me. This is not a fun process, it is called in the Bible the "refiner's fire"...but having seen the disastrous results of my own "great" abilities over many decades, I am at least grateful I was allowed back into the Household of God, no matter my muddy, filthy and brokenhearted state. I am allowed to partner again day by day with the One Who loves me and gave me gifts and talents to use while I am here.

  Just to sit at my pine table with the Savior is enough, as I cannot do anything more by myself. 

  "Lay down your weapons of self-warfare", He tenderly tells me. 

  Being the still-stubborn woman that I am, I struggle with that exhortation...and also begin to follow His wise words. Stumbling is OK, even a leap of an inch is OK...because that is still moving forward and into Eternity with God. 

  Wendy Elizabeth Williams    5-21-2024

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