Isaiah 61:3: “to appoint to them that mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”
"You have not been accustomed to ASKING, assuming the answer is no! You have been steeled to 'no' " This is the sobering message to me recently, from Holy Spirit. I never ignore the blunt messages from God, even if they are difficult to hear sometimes. God always cushions me along the way, though, as I tend to have spikes of deep, dark emotion. He walks with my stumbling, every single day.
“Head down in survival mode” has cut a wide swath through most of my adult life. I think this mindset is not uncommon among those who struggle with self-worth. Fortunately, God is not only an excellent Teacher, He patiently nudges me on, even in small steps.
I often live in two chapters of the Biblical book of Isaiah: chapter 61 and chapter 54. Chapter 61 speaks of "bind up the brokenhearted" and chapter 54 speaks of “oh thou afflicted, tossed with tempest and not comforted, behold I will lay thy stones with fair colors and lay thy foundations with sapphires."
If that is not a core description of my temperament, I don’t know what is. As much I would love to be bright and cheery most of the time, I am not. I come from parents who cared for me but Mom suffered from depression and sorrow and Dad also had depression and a negative world view. I had plenty of grief before age 18. I am a deep thinker and have paid the price for that ruminating.
Even in my raw emotional state, I cannot effectively follow any human being. First, I go directly to Papa God, Who Created me, knows me, my strengths and weaknesses. He does NOT scold, He listens, He comforts and He guides, very very well, thank you. I know when I’ve missed it and I need clarity, encouragement and a spark of hope to keep going the next step, even an inch. Whether you are "type A" or a " type Z" ( “type Z” is my own blunt presentation of some of us who are polar opposites to "climbers", ) we all need support. I want to be authentic, not phony, even being the blunt girl that I am. I am all about “authentic”!
Depression and deep discouragement are twin troubles that challenge me so starkly. Coming up out ( AGAIN) from the " pit" is not much fun.
One night a few days ago, in a terrible spate of discouragement, I had the brilliant thought to go and look for some encouraging videos online.
Well, for me as sensitive soul and deep empath, ( an empath being one who deeply feels the emotions of others, both good and not good), this did not turn out to be a positive event. Multiple videos were in a tone of SCOLD. I have spoken about this before and I stand by my words. Do not scold people in deep despair! STOP IT. If your brilliant type-A mode cannot offer a momentary blessing or word of encouragement, then please consider shutting your opinion maker.
One video scolded that if you felt discouraged and down- hearted, you did not want " it" bad enough. This is scolding, 101. For many of us, it does NOT remotely work. LOVE is not "tough", that mode can actually destroy, not help.
Motivate or castigate??
I fully understand that life takes effort and good things usually do not just fall on us. I have certainly worked at all kinds of jobs and made plenty of effort over the years, worked up until I was 68. At 72, while I am not a great succcess materially, I am far from stupid. I lived in big cities and urban areas for nearly 40 years, including Seattle and San Francisco, up until 2016. I learned the hard way, street smart and hard knock style, how a good portion of the world runs. I get it. I do not measure up to the harsh demands of the world. So? The scolding becomes an epithet, like to kick me when I am in a down state. Yes, that will certainly work…
NOT.
No wonder I'm a loner...
I will never fully resonate with the world at large. I know the survivor drill enough to have lived for 72 years and 3+ months, by February 2025. I have had a few “breaks” in my life but I have worked, plenty. I'm an outsider and an outcast to some degree... but God calls me to Him and does not shame me. I mean, look at the 12 apostles of Christ...millionaires they were not. Jesus hung out mostly with the sorrowful and brokenhearted. Highly impressive men of power and influence, nope! Fishermen, tax collector, what else?? Not much at the heap-top, yes? Lots of gnarly there!
But God sees my gems...even muddied beneath the surface. Heck, even I do not see them...but Papa does. I tell you, I have never "met" a more determined and yes, "stubborn" Being than God the Father. He does not harass or shove but there is NO way I can ignore the power of His relentless LOVE. This is not smarmy love, not maudlin, not remotely phony. I am authentic at all costs, even when in terrible distress, which, yes, I camp out in too much.
God must have some purpose for me, when I still feel useless so much of the time...and yet, no way does He abandon me by the roadside. He knows my escape pods and mental gymnastics... and just keeps smiling that infuriating Papa Cheshire cat smile...
You cannot win the argument with Papa. Many in the Bible have argued with God...and had to stop it!
It certainly seems mighty strange to the tattered leftover shards of my major sharp- tongued cynic that is not yet fully gone...to look at the accomplishments of my life only as " I HAVE SURVIVED." There must be boatloads of us out there who are not mighty "influencers" ( of WHAT?? Whom are Youm??), achievers, big men or women on campus, high on the mountain! I am not denigrating them, as actually, some of them I admire from a distance, even if my physiology and temperament are 180 degrees in difference to them. Just because we have not achieved great things does not make us less, certainly not to God.
Because Christ often spent time with those whose eyes were filled with tears or bodies or minds covered with scars both visible or invisible, He “gets it”. He and His Papa look beyond the surface and into the heart.
Wendy Elizabeth Williams February 7, 2025
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It baffles me that -- as your column is the one I read and reread most -- you should feel useless. Blind to your own gifts. And I'm glad you pointed out that "tough love" is the worst thing to rain down on someone in the midst of a struggle. I had that happen to me many times ( and I would always be at my lowest) and it's utterly demoralizing. I know that I still hold resentment toward some of those " preachers" and the deep hurt they caused. As I reread what I've written, I think , " Look what she pulled out of me.". Yes, you have a gift that resonates!
Yep! Everything you said! Especially the stop scolding part!