THE BOW OF ODYSSEUS

"You have spent your whole life at war"

2nd Corinthians 10:4: “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty for the pulling down of strongholds"

Titus 3:5: “Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Ghost.”

My Mother, who died overnight in 1966 when I was nearly 14, was my best friend in childhood. She brought me to faith in Christ and we shared a deep fellowship of Mother and daughter. She also, for some reason, carried an awful letter in her handbag, a letter to her from my Dad, which basically told her that "I want my wife and children to leave me and never cross my path again." Any parent must know that their kids will sneak a peek into their parent's inner world, like bureau drawers, high closet shelves...and handbags. Yes, I was digging in her handbag and found that letter...and was shocked and stunned by it. It deeply wounded me. She was not happy I found it...but WHY would she carry this letter around?? I do not know when my Dad wrote that to her or why, oh why she chose to carry it around in her handbag? I did not get an answer...I only felt the deep wound to my soul that persisted...and then Mom died overnight a handful of years later and I was left with...my Dad. What a plan… Parents had separated, Mom and I moved out, Dad came to visit a few weeks later and unbeknownst to me for many years, he told Mom he was filing for divorce. She died the next morning of a massive stroke and I am left to move back in with the Dad who wrote that letter to Mom.

Fortunately, he did not abuse me or mistreat me...but I was basically "on my own" emotionally in my youth, stumbling through high school and had no clue how to live when I left home at 18. My brother's Vietnam death in 1968, two years after my Mom’s, added to the struggle and torment, building rage and rebellion in me.

Right now, in my deepening and warrior walk of faith, God continues to shipwreck me. Only Papa could so deeply know my inner battles and so lovingly, yet savagely lay bare my psyche. From the deep sorrow of my youth with both Mom and one brother dying suddenly within two years of each other, to my feeling unwanted and a burden in earlier childhood, to the generational torment over Vietnam, to me just not fitting in anywhere, I have held on by fingertips in survival mode. I deeply hope my life has a holy purpose, being a conduit for the love of God and His Son for the brokenhearted, including myself. When He spoke that searing line to me in the last week, during my nightly fellowship with Him, I was stunned and not sure I heard Him correctly... but I did.

I have built a bastion around my heart and kept it up in stronghold form and that has blocked some good from my life. That must be the "war" God spoke to me about, living in cautionary defensive mode my whole life. I never formally married and had no children (two abortions in 1973). I remain a strange combination of sensitive soul, empath and warrior, with a blend of the temperaments of both Mom and Dad. Some things work, some things do not. At this point of my life at age 72, I trust none but God Himself.

As my Teacher, He is leading me on a profound and deeply unsettling journey, as part of the warrior's task, otherwise known as the Refiner’s Fire. He is relentless and yet, in a good way. I have found that He tailors His teaching to each of us, based on our temperament and our own life experiences and history. This is not remotely simplistic. God does know the sorrow and grief I have lived with, grief that did not fully dispell over time but has remained to trouble and hamper me. He watched my 35 years as a wandering Prodigal to my Christian faith. He has told me before, "you are one of My late bloomers" and that He will see me in victory before he draws me back Home. I have tried arguing with Papa...and we all know the result of that (not a "draw", I assure you...and yet even when Papa wins, He still has mercy on me and offers me the prize...)

God is truly an incredible Teacher. He is unique in His methods. I have begun to come into my own in my Elder years. His plan is to guide me into greater blessings, the older I get. While I still move slowly and deliberately, not the rowdy jumping in with both feet of my youth, I hear God's voice. I have begun, in my daily fellowship with Him with notebook and pen, to trust that He actually has my back and has my best at heart, to effectively use the writing and compassion gifts He gave me.

Papa recently led me to two movie clips from a recent 2024 movie called "The Return", a masterful take on the (myth) story of Odysseus, the Greek warrior King who left his family to lead his men in battle in a war with Troy, his many misadventures that kept him away for many years and his final return home. His wife and son at home, had to deal with plenty of adversaries on their own. His wife, being tormented by this obnoxious band of power-hungry knaves seeking her hand in marriage due to Odysseus being so long absent, finally creates a test for the "suitors ." Odysseus had been able to shoot an arrow through the circles atop twelve ax-heads and hit the target without touching the axes. Using Odysseus ancient bow, his wife tells the suitors that the one of them who can string the bow and shoot the arrow through the axe heads and into the target, would be her husband. Needless to say, the suitors do not succeed. Odysseus shows up, an unknown "beggar", asks the Queen if he could try and strings the bow, shoots the arrow successfully and the begins the killing of the suitors. Before he begins the killing of the suitors, he very slowly and methodically prepares for shooting the arrow into the target.

Holy Spirit pointed out to me, to watch and focus on the preparing Odysseus did, even before shooting the arrow. The preparation is key. This is my needful lesson in all this, as I still stumble around too much for an Elder and I plan too little:

--he did not rush through the preparation process but was slow and methodical

--he fully examined the old bow, feeling it and deeply observing it

--he spent a moment smelling the bow, seeking for any wood rot that might be present

--he made use of the circular open fire pit and briefly heated the bow, four times, including twice on both ends

--he holds the bow sideways at his middle and gently begins to bend it for a few seconds

--he examined the string to the bow, also seeking for defects or breaks or weakness

--he again bends the bow gently, this time between the length of both legs

--he slowly and intently places the loop of the string securely around the tip of the bow, ensuring with concentration that the loop fit and was stable and once the string was secured, he gave the string a "twang"

--he slowly accepts the arrow handed to him and sets it securely in the bow

--he stands strongly in a sideways stance, observing the target and axes and begins to pull the strung arrow back

--he finally lets fly the arrow...and sees it hit securely into the target, crossing safely through the ax-heads and directly into the mission aimed at

After the destruction of many of the suitors and the shattering of Odysseus wife’s emotions, he then comes to her in the rooms they shared and they quietly pour out their hearts, but with restraint. The entire movie scene clips were masteries of acting restraint! I won’t go into too much detail, but the Queen, Penelope, is just as tough as Odysseus and while they have a brief discussion of the lost years, she begins to gently wash off the blood of the suitors he has killed, from his face and chest. This is almost the most intense scene of all, between husband and wife.

All my battling life, I have flown by improvised solutions, living by pure instinct and intuition. While I have survived only by God's pure mercy and grace, I am far from a success, grateful to live to 72 and grateful for the roof over my head, food on my table and the core basics of life. Warriors are often pared down to basics. I don't long for “stuff” but for deeper fellowship and kinship with God, Who has some purpose for the remainder of my life.

Weary is what I am, longing for battle to be over and Home to welcome me...

I will learn from the methodical lessons Papa offers me, because His teachings always bless me, despite the pain and difficulty. The Christian faith is a warrior faith all the way, not lightweight at all! Blessings to all who read my writing work, hard-fought lessons in the mistakes of life and the immense MERCY of God and His Son! I humbly hope even one person is blessed by my heartfelt and yes, BLUNT writing pieces, to learn from my mistakes.

Wendy Elizabeth Williams Friday, January 24, 2025

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